I am in a healthy, ethically non-monogamous open-relationship. I’m poly, but I don’t need every relationship to be headed towards some a long-term, meaningful love either. Relationships can come in just about any packaging you can think up.
I primarily use Tinder, OkCupid and Plenty of Fish to meet other people. It’s a great way to get to know someone who may experience initial social anxiety, or more importantly, too far away to meet organically at some local venue. In modern society, there’s really no good reason to arbitrarily limit your possibilities by restricting yourself to people physically nearby.
While poly is growing in popularity, it’s still a very small percentage of the overall dating dynamic. I’ve read estimates that maybe 4 or 5 percent of relationships in the U.S. are polyamorous. While this may be true, I think it’s likely due to cultural pressures and not preferences.
Think about it. It’s a fairly safe bet that you have either cheated, been cheated on or personally know someone who has cheated or been cheated on. Probably more than just one. The whole “one man for one woman” idea is as archaic as the belief that a romantic and/or sexual relationship is limited to male/female couples.
The majority of our relationships are “poly”. We do business with more than one person. We have multiple friends. Parents don’t love one child any less because another one comes into our lives. So why do we insist that our romantic life be limited to one person?
That’s a lot of pressure to put on someone, too. That one person has to be your everything romantically and sexually. In a poly relationship, you don’t have to make those all or nothing choices. If you could love someone, and not have to give up those you already love in the process, I’m thinking there would be a lot less divorce!
Monogamy, from my perspective is often the product of fear. The fear that if a partner fucks someone else, then they can no longer love you and find you attractive. We know that’s bullshit because there are plenty of secret affairs that go on for years without any indication of lost love or sexual passion.
Fear is a negative emotion. Monogamy derived from fear will suffer from possessiveness, jealousy and lack of trust. The chances are, that relationship will not last.
Certainly there are healthy, non-fear-based monogamous relationships. These are couples that never cheat on each other simply because they are content with just one. I think there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. I also think it’s rare.
Ask yourself, are you the jealous type? Do you lose your shit if you catch your partner staring at some nice ass that’s not yours? I’m not talking about catching someone lying to you, but just realizing that they also find other people attractive and desire them. If that bothers you, then you may be a fear-imposed monogamist.
Poly, for me, is all about being fear-free. It’s about being open to people, open to experiences, and embracing honesty in our relationships. It’s about loving each other fully, trusting fully, and living life to be happy, in every direction that leads.